What losing my Virginity taught me about Islam

This is quite a shameful story, even my parents are not aware of it, but I’m willing to share with the Muslim ummah as lust, sexual desires and illicit relationships remain a challenge to Muslim girls in this generation.

I Am 25 after all, I said to myself, I have a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, I am a writer with published books and works, I earn a salary, I’m beautiful, I’m well sought after by men, I live in a secular society where I don’t have to use the hijab. This was my belief and indeed my reality, in fact in addition, I am a virgin. I felt like the “complete womanhood package/ wife material” because it’s indeed difficult to find chaste women nowadays. Even though I did not periodically use the hijab, I knew Zina was a sin and I desperately kept my virginity because I was afraid of Allah’s wrath and also personally, I did not want to do it because I was scared of what the consequences from God & my family would be. This was my thinking. But as I grew older I thought, “Oh what would it be like to have sex? If I should have sex, my family won’t know unless I tell them”. So I started having a boyfriend, and entertaining sexual thoughts/advances from my boyfriend. Again I’ll say to myself “oh if I have should have sex, my parents won’t know but of course Almighty Allah will know, he sees everything”. So again i started entertaining the thought of making my boyfriend become my fiancé so that when we have sex, the sin would be less grievous. I would often say to myself “oh well, we’ll end up marrying, so if we have sex now, God would forgive us”, this was my thinking, blatantly choosing to disobey the Almighty Allah who helped me remain chaste for 25yrs – (a decision I deeply regret now). My fiancé wanted the sex, so did i, after all these years of keeping my virginity I thought “well I’m 25yrs old, I’m matured, I’m comfortable in life, I have everything a young lady needs. Now my next adventure should be sex, I want to see how mind blowing and exotic the feeling is, i want to please my boyfriend and I also want to explore my body”, I said to myself.

So, the day finally came. My fiancé seemed in love with me, he had assured me that we would get married so I was happy. We had the sex and I wasn’t a virgin anymore. After the sex, as he was getting up, he said “you all are the same, always screaming because it’s you all first’s time”, he chuckled. I was shocked, and indeed I later on found out that I was either the 4th or 5th girl he has false fully promised marriage and dis-virgin. I was in agony, I became depressed. I immediately went for HiV testing and other tests for infections, I promised Almighty Allah that if the results came back negative, I would never ever even go close to sex until I get married. It was a daunting moment for me. I became sickly and malnourished and broke, as some tests cost a lot of money. I and some of the other ladies (his ex’s) that he had done this to became friends through Facebook, and we have a group chat where we talk about him and our experiences. Most shocking is that, I was the youngest of them all, the rest of the ladies were all matured, grown and working class women who had as well kept their virginity from young, only to lose it to a male cassanova who goes around promising marriage to women.

To cut the whole story short, the moral lesson here is, if Islam and Almighty Allah has commanded you not to do something, trust me, you’re better off not doing that thing. No amount of school degree, education or social interaction will give you the right answers to the questions of having premarital sex rather than what the Almighty Allah has commanded for us in the Qur’an. I thought I was matured, I was educated, I was smart, I was intelligent, I’m playing safe, I can guide myself…, but in the end, the holy Qur’an, written over 1400 years ago proved to be the best guidance and the smartest rule I could have ever abide to. Muslim girls around the world struggle immensely with pressure from friends, society, boyfriends, fiancés etc. We live in such a sexually charged world, keeping your virginity and following the commandments of God is seemingly becoming outdated. My dear sisters, it is NOT. Last 3weeks, I had a suitor come seek my hand in marriage, what he asked me was if I was a virgin. I’m yet to give a reply up till now. Because how do you answer that you’re no longer a virgin, not because you were raped or abused, but because you lustfully decided to disrespect and disobey the Almighty Allah? Well that is aside, my main focus now is repenting and restoring back that good relationship I once had with Almighty Allah. It’s hard because Every time I feel impure, I feel empty, I feel like an ingrate, I feel too dirty to even talk to God and I never used to feel this way before. I know deep down in my heart, Almighty Allah is angry and disappointed in me because what I did was a betrayal to the Almighty Allah, all he ever did for me was grant me my wish and helped me graduate with good grades and I feel like I paid him back by engaging in zina and losing my virginity, I feel sorrowful. But I will continue to beg Almighty Allah to forgive me and set my path straight once again. Hopefully you or someone you know can read this story and learn from my evil disobedience that’s costing me my peace today.

Note: This is a true story which was shared with us from a Muslim sister whose name has been kept secret. May Allah (swt) make things easier for her (Aameen).