Real Story of a Sister

October 18, 2015Science & Faith

The following is my real life story of what has been going on in my marriage.
I realized my mistakes and have now committed to try and reform myself and change towards my beloved wife.
I will really appreciate if you could read my story out, it might be able to help other men out there who might be doing the same but don’t realise it.
I was emotionally abusing my wife!
Let me begin by saying I’m not a writer so please be patient with me and I hope you read my story. I had to share this.
This is not penned out of pride, I’ve simply penned the following to maybe guide my fellow brothers who are husbands and sons.
Almost 5 years ago my wedding day finally arrived. It was a rather small but elegant and perfect day for myself, my parents, family and friends. And of course the other side, my beautiful wife and her family. Her parents are deceased so for her this day brought for her a set of parents who she wished for for so long.
As the months went by, I started taking so much for granted. And I mean whatever my wife did for me and my family. I was never afraid of calling friends or family over because I knew she always put the best forward. She entertained with her gracious smile and had operation clean-up under control. She did this without a fuss.
I allowed my mother’s domestic helper to assist my wife once a week as gogo has been working for my mother since my younger brother, now 22, was born. A little over a year of our marriage gogo passed away so ever since, my beloved has been attending to everything at home by herself. The frequent family and friends visits over weekends didn’t stop and I didn’t think much of it. My wife did it before so I guessed it was ok. To be honest I didn’t assist in any way as everything seemed to be getting done and was under control by her.
Having a good qualification, I was leading the life I wanted. I gave my wife everything. Never did she demand nor compare anyone’s life to hers. She was always grateful.
I took my 2 to 3 week yearly leave from office to a well deserved vacation. I treated myself and because of this I thought I was treating my wife too and giving her the time off she deserved.
I was someone who always loved nature and outdoors. So instead of the normal hotels and sea sides, I opted for the camping sites, caravans and river hot spots. Instead of take outs and restaurants, I opted for preparing meals over open flames and braais with the salads and fancies.
So…. After two months into her pregnancy, one Saturday afternoon after she said goodbye to my parents, sister and her husband and my 2 brothers, she finished with the lunch dishes. I, like always was either looking into the TV screen or phone. She snuggled up next to me on the bed. I ran my fingers through her hair and when she thought the time was ideal, she asked: “do you think I can start getting some domestic help again once a week? You know with the baby coming and. ….”
That was enough for me. I didn’t even allow her to finish and I snapped. “You are utterly ungrateful. I do so much for you and you still ask me for a maid?! Look around you. What are you short of.” She just took my hand and in her ever soft voice said “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s okay, I love you” she whispered and kissed my forehead. But Four months later things took a turn for the worst. She miscarried. While she stayed in hospital for 4 days, I stayed at my mother’s place.
During her prenancy not once did I show excitement that she was carrying my baby. Her belly swelled and I didn’t care. I did not even place my hand over her growing belly, not even once. And I regret it, A LOT! She doesn’t say it but I know she’s now afraid to conceive again. I know she’s afraid of going through so much again alone. I was emotionally abusing my wife!
After she miscarried, she became somewhat very quiet. She went around doing the house chores and even more, just to pass time and keep busy. It suited me fine as I needed the quiet time after the long hours at work. I would still come home with her expensive gifts, roses etc. At times, months would pass without me getting her anything. She didn’t change her behaviour or love towards me. She was always so sincere, so lovable, so precious. I didn’t realise how down she was until it all hit me.
I was emotionally abusing my wife!
Read on…
It was that time again, I needed a break. I told her of my upcoming leave and she began preparing.
It wasn’t much work as I insisted on travelling light with just 3 sets of clothes and she prepared all the meals.
One morning I planned to sleep a little later than usual. I was to wake up at 8 but my eyes opened at around 6:30am. I looked around for her In bed, she wasn’t next to me. She was always up before me so I didn’t worry much. After some time, she came into the room. Her face with that gorgeous smile like always. “What were you upto” I asked. “Nothing much love. Just some laundry.” She answered without much effort.
“Must you always go on like super woman? Who are you showing off to that you so efficient even in some bush whilst on holiday?”
I was emotionally abusing my wife!
Up to this day I don’t know how much I hurt her with those words. They must’ve pierced right through her heart. And this is when I realised I was being selfish. I was giving her everything but still silently abusing my wife, someone whose been through it all for me, someone I love so dearly.
“Honey, we go out for 3 weeks, and you only take 3 sets of clothes. How do u think it’s been happening for the past five years. The laundry has to be done, don’t you think? Look around you, anywhere we can sit down and order a meal? Do you really think I can just drop everything and have a holiday where nothing needs to be done?” She asked.
For the first time I didn’t react. Everything she said was so true. I’ve been so blind. So selfish. So unfair. She hasn’t had a single day off in five years.
That afternoon, I said to her “Let’s go. Let’s go home,”
“Is everything okay? We still have a week and a half before the holiday ends” she said.
The drive home was a silent one. I didn’t know what to say or how to start a conversation. I’ve been hurting her. And the wounds were deep. I could sense that she occasionally looked at me. Not with anger, not with hatred.
I finally pulled over. I saw a look of worry in her eyes. I took her hand and kissed them. I closed my eyes and all I could whisper was “I’m sorry.” The silence was deafening. I was waiting for her to speak. When I finally looked up at her, I saw tears streaming down her face. Was I the cause of these tears. I hated myself.
She finally spoke. She said: “I get tired too. I sometimes wish to wake up to breakfast, even just a cup of coffee. I appreciate your gifts, I really do. But over the years the gift of your quality time has got lost somewhere. You don’t say thank you anymore. You work so hard to give me a good life but your companionship is most desired. When I miscarried I wished for your support and love. I so much wanted you to ask how I was feeling. Yes I looked like I was coping but inside, I was shattered. I just needed to know everything was going to be okay. It wasn’t just my baby, it was our baby who is no more. I do what I do and will continue to do it because I love you dearly but I do get tired. At home or away on vacation my routine is the same . I do get tired.” She stopped, she couldn’t speak any further. Tears flowed and I wanted to be the husband I once was.
I was emotionally abusing my wife!
The next morning I forced myself to wake up before her. For the first time I tried to prepare breakfast. I was already failing terribly. I didn’t know where anything was. I didn’t know how to operate the fancy oven and appliances I installed.
I went into the room with a cup of coffee in hand and woke her up. When she saw the coffee, she assumed it was mine. She rushed to get out of bed but I placed my hand on her shoulder telling her to stay.
Things are going to be different from now on. I’m going to try my best to be the person you married five years ago. I’ve been selfish and blind. I was emotionally abusing my wife!
I handed the coffee over to her. She smiled and sipped on it. “If only I knew your coffee was this good I would’ve never made coffee” she teased. I hugged her and promised to be her companion, her best friend and give her time off that she is so well deserving of.
To all husbands out there, please don’t make the same mistake I made. Our wives have been made lawful for us and we’ve taken them into our care as a responsibility. They are not well oiled machines that go on forever. We need to be fair towards them, cherish them and let them know how important they are to us.
Spend time with them and I mean quality time. Do things that they like even though we might hate their choice, it’ll bring them immense happiness. They sacrificed so much for us, it’s time we let them know that their efforts do not go by unnoticed. Women are emotional beings, they need to be shown love and support.
We call ourselves followers of the Sunnah, but in fact we are only but “selective followers”.
We choose what we like. We want to dress like nabi (saw), eat like him, talk like him but we conveniently choose not to treat our wives like he did! He (SAW) said: the best of you are those who are best to their wives and i am best to my wives.”
Ask yourself: are you the best to your wife??????????
I appeal to you my brothers, stop and ask yourself “Am I emotionally abusing my wife?”