Why Parental Affection is so Important for Child Development

August 24, 2020Science & Faith

Why did our beloved Prophet Muhammad sallā llāhu’alaihi wa sallam emphasized so much about caressing the head of an orphan child?

Why did our Prophet Muhammad sallā llāhu’alaihi wa sallam said the person who does not kiss his children, Allah has taken out mercy from his heart?

Children develop reactive attachment disorder if they are not cared properly.

Aisha radhi Allāhu anha reported: A bedouin came to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said, “You kiss the children? We do not kiss them.” The Prophet said, “I cannot put mercy into your heart if Allah has removed it from you.”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5652, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2317

Abu Hurairah (RA) reports that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) stated: “Whoever caresses the head of an orphan (in affection), solely for the sake of Allah, a good deed will be written to his account for every hair over which he passed his hand, and whoever treated an orphan (boy or girl) with goodness and kindness, he and I will be close to each-other in Heaven as these two fingers.”

The Prophet (SAW) made a gesture with his fingers
(Musnaad Ahmed)

Abu Huraira reported: A man came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he complained about the hardness of his heart. The Prophet said, “If you want to soften your heart, feed the poor and pat the head of the orphan.”

Source: Musnad Aḥmad 7522
Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Ibn Hajar

This Hadith is reported by another version
Abu Darda reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Bring the orphan close to you, pat his head, and feed him with the same food you eat. It will soften your heart and fulfill your need.”

Source: Makārim al-Akhlāq lil-Kharā’iṭī 661
Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-abany

There is great reward for treating the orphans with kindness. The mercy to the universe, the Beloved of Allah said, ‘Whoever touches the head of an orphan for the pleasure of Allah , in place of each hair his hand went over, he will receive good deeds and me and him will be together like this (put two fingers together) in Heaven.’ (Musnad Imaam Ahmad, Hadith 22215, V8

How did our beloved prophet Muhammad sallā llāhu’alaihi wa sallam treated children?

Children are Allah’s gifts which bring joy to the hearts and blessings to the souls of those around them. Children require special attention and the utmost care to raise them in hopes of them becoming beneficial and productive citizens. Some people might take the strict approach of harshly educating their children and preventing them from falling into simple mishaps and trivial pitfalls. This strict and confined environment works as a stumbling block against the child’s natural curiosity and his inner zeal to discover the world in his own terms. Some parents lean towards an intentional deprivation of their child of any emotional feelings out of fear of spoiling their children. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) refused such a harsh approach as he recognized the psychological need of all children to feel love. Despite his busy schedule he worked hard to show his love to children, this was a lesson that caring for children can also be done while running our tight schedules.

For example, upon arriving in Madinah, the Prophet Muhammad was received by the elite people of Madinah along with men and women who were eagerly waiting for his blessed arrival. Among the huge crowd that lined up to welcome the long awaited Prophet were the children of Madinah who broke out in singing and praising the Prophet. The Prophet Muhammad turned towards them, smiling and gave them his undivided attention. He went up to them with a smile on his face and asked them, “Do you love me?” The children out of joy and excitement said, “Yes, yes! We love and respect you O Messenger of God.” The Prophet replied “And I also love you all.” The children were delighted!

The Prophet Muhammad taught us how to treat with gentleness and kindness. People usually find it pleasing to themselves to cuddle, hold, kiss, hug and carry around these bundles of joy until they do something smelly and leaky in their diaper. As soon as that happens, some people immediately scrunch up their nose in disgust and hand them over to the mother or nanny to clean them up. However, this was not what the Prophet did in such a situation. He would often hold infants, even though in that era there were no leak-proof diapers. Lady Aisha narrated: “A boy was brought to the Prophet to do tahnik (touching the lips of the child with a fresh date) for him, but the boy urinated on him, whereupon the Prophet had water poured on the place of urine” (Al-Bukhari). The Prophet Muhammad refrained from expressing disgust even though the baby urinated on his clothing. This indicates his exemplary level of tolerance for babies’ natural phases, as it is normal for new-borns to urinate often.

Following the Prophet’s path, we should not get irritated at the natural messes that babies tend to make (such as nose emissions, excreta, or regurgitated milk), even if they create a mess or filthy our garments or furniture. We should also help clean up the mess without considering it beneath our social dignity to do so. As babies grow older and become active and energetic toddlers, we need to raise our level of patience and understanding for the new phase they have now entered. The Prophet Muhammad is a leading example of welcoming children into his mosque even though they usually caused noise and disturbances. Reported by Abdullah ibn Shaddad from his father: “The Messenger of God (peace and blessings be upon him) came out to lead us in either maghrib or ‘isha’ prayer one night, and he was carrying Hassan or Husain. The Messenger of God came forward and put (the child) down, then he said “God is the Greatest” and started to pray. During the prayer, he prostrated and made his prostration long. My father said: “I raised my head and I saw the child on the back of the Messenger of God whilst he was prostrating, so I returned to my prostration.” When the Messenger of God finished praying, the people said: “O Messenger of God, during your prayer you prostrated for so long that we thought something had happened or that you were receiving Revelation.” He said: Nothing at all happened, but my son was on my back and I did not wish to disturb him until he had had enough” (An-Nisa’i).

This hadith is another great example of how tolerant the Prophet was regarding children’s behavior.

When a child becomes older i.e. beyond the age of 6-7, he or she reaches the age of understanding right from wrong. When he encountered a child doing something the wrong way, the Prophet would gently and concisely correct them and explain to them how to do it right, without scolding harshly or making them feel humiliated in front of others. Umar ibn Abu Salamah reported: “I was a boy under the care of the Messenger of God, and as my hand used to wander around in the dish, he once said to me: “O son, mention God’s Name (i.e., say Bismillah), eat with your right hand, and eat from what is in front of you” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

By regularly reading and studying the Prophet’s loving and mild behavior with children, we can prevent ourselves from treating children in a manner that could displease God and ruin our relationship with them in the long term. The Prophet kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-Tamim was sitting with him. Al-Aqra` said, “I have ten children and have never kissed one of them.” The Prophet cast a look at him and said: “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully” (Bukhari). Lady Aisha narrated that a bedouin approached the Prophet and said: “You (people) kiss the boys! We don’t kiss them.” The Prophet said: “I cannot put mercy in your heart after God has taken it away from it” (Bukhari).

Please take heed to what the Prophet of God has shown us through his own example. It is a sunnah to show love and care to children! It is a sunnah to cuddle and hold your baby! It is sunnah to kiss your son or your daughter. Children bring joy, they are a mercy and a gift from God as they bring blessings to their families, and soften even the hardest of hearts. This is their contribution to society and we should love them for it.

Importantly, we must love our children because the little ones best understand the language of love. The Prophet said that he would shorten the prayer if he heard a baby crying, as he did not want to distress the baby’s mother. On other occasions, he prayed with a child in his arms, lifting it as he stood up for each unit of prayer and putting the child down as he went into prostration. This was how tender he was with babies.

This was how much he loved children. He was tolerant and forgave the little mistakes they made. He played with them, gave them rides on his camel and then fed them dates. He knew babies were curious and liked to explore new things. One baby played with the seal of Prophethood between his shoulders, her father was annoyed with her. What was the Prophet’s response? Well, he told her father to leave her alone, not to scold her and then he blessed the baby by praying for her to have a long life.

Muhammad used to care for orphans and he used to ask his companions to protect them and to treat them well. He also showed the merits that come from this. Al-Bukhari narrated that Prophet Muhammad said: “I and the custodian of an orphan are like this (together) in Paradise”, and he joined his forefinger and middle finger together. Ibn Majah also narrated on the authority of Abu Huraira that Prophet Muhammad said: “The best Muslim house is one in which an orphan is well treated; and the worst Muslim house is one in which an orphan is badly treated.” These Prophetic hadiths show clearly that if someone takes good care of an orphan, he is sure to enter paradise.

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was a role model in caring for children and he taught us how to treat them and how to express love and joy for the gift of having them. It is our obligation to learn how best to treat children and to incorporate these teachings in our own life.

(Collected from seerah of Prophet Muhammad sallā llāhu’alaihi wa sallam)

What happens when children do not receive the amount of care needed?

Children develop reaction attachment disorder due to the lack of caring touch.

What is reactive attachment disorder (RAD)?

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a condition in which an infant or young child does not form a secure, healthy emotional bond with his or her primary caretakers (parental figures).

Children with RAD often have trouble managing their emotions. They struggle to form meaningful connections with other people. Children with RAD rarely seek or show signs of comfort and may seem almost fearful of their caretakers, even in situations where the current parent figures seem quite loving and caring. These children are often irritable or sad, and may report feeling unsafe and/or alone.

Who is likely to have reactive attachment disorder (RAD)?

Reactive attachment disorder is most common among children between 9 months and 5 years who have experienced physical or emotional neglect or abuse. While not as common, older children can also have RAD since RAD sometimes can be misdiagnosed as other behavioral or emotional difficulties. Children may be more likely to develop RAD if they:

Have had many different foster care providers or spent time in an orphanage
Were taken away from primary caretakers after forming a healthy bond
Have had multiple traumatic losses early in life.

What cause RAD? Young children form healthy relationships when their basic needs are consistently attended to – this builds a sense of trust between the young child and caretakers. Examples of inappropriate, ongoing caretaking situations that place a child at greater risk of developing RAD include:

A baby whose diaper is soiled and not changed for many hours.
A baby who is hungry and not fed for many hours.
A baby who is crying and not attended to and who is not comforted when they are in distress.
A baby who is not held, touched, talked to, or interacted with for many hours at a time.
An infant whose needs are met only some of the time (the care giving is not consistent).
A young child who only gains the attention of caretakers by acting up/or being disruptive.
A baby or young child who has had multiple primary caretakers (especially if the care provided is inconsistent and/or from unfamiliar people).
Any situation in which the child has been physically or emotionally neglected or abused by primary caretakers or other adults.

What are the symptoms of reactive attachment disorder (RAD)?

Symptoms of reactive attachment disorder vary from child to child. Infants and young children who may have RAD show common signs such as:

Failure to show an expected range of emotions when interacting with others; failure to show “emotions of conscience” such as remorse, guilt, or regret Avoiding eye contact and physical touch, especially with caregivers, Expressing anger; having tantrums; being irritable, unhappy and sad; disobedience and arguing (beyond what would be “usual” for the child’s age and situation)

Displaying inappropriate affection toward strangers while demonstrating a lack of affection for and/or fear of their primary caretakers.

When children with RAD grow older, their symptoms usually fall into one of two general patterns:

Inhibited RAD symptoms. Children are aware of what happens around them, but they do not respond typically to outside stimuli. Children showing inhibited RAD symptoms are withdrawn and emotionally unresponsive. They may not show or seek affection from caregivers or others, keeping largely to themselves.

Disinhibited RAD symptoms. Children may be overly friendly toward strangers. Children with disinhibited RAD symptoms do not prefer their primary caretakers over other people. In most cases, these children act younger than their age and may seek out affection from others in an unsafe way.
(Taken from Cleveland clinical report)

According to the many reports (Mayo clinic and others ) RAD results from changing Foster Care homes many times over.

Islam provides a beautiful solution to this. From above mentioned details we know Prophet Muhammad sallā llāhu’alaihi wa sallam said ” the best household is that in which an orphan is treated most kindly and the take carer of an orphan will be rewarded with paradise and live side by side with the prophet. subhan Allah. Allah said-

In the Name of Allah, The Most kGracious, Most Merciful

1. Have you seen him who denies the Recompense?
2. That is he who repulses the orphan (harshly),
3. And urges not the feeding of AlMiskin (the poor),
4. So woe unto those performers of Salat (prayers) (hypocrites),
5. Who delay their Salat (prayer) from their stated fixed times,
6. Those who do good deeds only to be seen (of men),
7. And refuse Al-Ma’un (small kindnesses e.g. sharing salt, sugar, water, etc.).

In the above mentioned verse two groups are mentioned in the same chapters who delay their prayer and do good deeds for showing off and who are harsh towards orphans and don’t lend small favours to the orphans and needy.

If all the people follow the way how our prophet treated children , no child will develop reaction attachment disorder.

Now we will examine severe consequences of RAD.

K. Moran et al. / Child Abuse & Neglect 65 (2017) 77–87 79

Attachment Disorder, maltreatment, mental health and offending

A potential association between maltreatment, Attachment disorders, mental health and offending becomes clear from the literature, although this has not previously been empirically explored: for example, there is no previous research exploring Attachment Disorders among young offenders. Millward et al. (2006) found a high correlation (r = 0.84) between Attachment Disorders and other mental health problems. Kocovska et al’s (2012) study of 34 adopted children with indis- criminate friendliness and early maltreatment found that most displayed symptoms of Attachment disorders, they also had other disorders such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety dis-orders and conduct disorder. This cluster of disorders suggests that in such cases what emerges is a complexity of needs as proposed by Gilberg (2010). In his work with children under six he noted that some could be classified as showing “early symptomatic syndromes eliciting neurodevelopmental clinical examination (ESSENCE)”. Gilberg (2010) suggested that a child with an Attachment Disorder may also display the symptoms of ADHD and depression, for example, and importantly these should not be looked upon in isolation. Minnis (2013) acknowledges this concept of overlapping neurodevelopmental difficulties when introducing the idea of maltreatment associated psychiatric problems (MAPP), reflecting studies which demonstrate that indiscriminately friendly children may also have other disorders such as ADHD and Conduct Disorder. An association for boys between maltreatment, harsh parenting and conduct disorder was noted by Rutter, Giller and Hagell (1998). Here it was suggested that many boys who experienced harsh, physically or verbally abusive punitive parenting could develop conduct disorder and violent criminal behaviour in later years.

Other studies have also identified a strong association between maltreatment and later criminal behaviour (Smith, Thornberry, & Ireland, 2004; Trentacosta & Shaw, 2008; Widom & Maxfield, 2001). Ryan, Williams and Courtney (2013) confirmed this association and reported the level of maltreatment to be 30% amongst a sample of young offenders. Further studies expanded this association relative to the specific type of offence (Lansford et al., 2007; Topitzes, Mersky, & Reynolds, 2012). In the first case an association between maltreatment and adolescent violent offences was noted and in the second a link between maltreatment and both violent and nonviolent offences in adolescence was found. This research leads on to an emerging profile of young offenders. A survey of 300 offenders, aged 13–18, found that a third had experienced foster care, 36% had educational needs, 48% had difficulties with social relationships and 31% had mental health problems (Chitsabesan et al., 2006).

Given the link between maltreatment and young offending and the fact that Attachment Disorders are the only diagnoses specifically related to a history of maltreatment, the hypothesis was that a group of young offenders might have a higher rates of Attachment Disorders. This study will, for the first time, examine the rates of Attachment Disorders within this population and consider factors that may be associated with higher levels of Attachment Disorder symptoms within this group. It is recognised that the term “young offender” is a simplistic definition however, after much discussion, a commonly used clinical definition was employed, i.e. young people who have been involved in criminal activity and are known to youth offending services.

From all the above discussion we see how Islam provides beautiful solution to all such problems.
This further proves Humanity is in utter turmoil for not adapting ways of Islamic solutions.